discerning

discerning is tricky.

i recognize so many of my own desires in my heart.  which of them were created by me and which ones were put there by God? which are both?

i had someone give me a "word" a few years ago.  it has haunted me.  if it is true ... then everything i want, everything i feel called to do is wrong.  i want to discount it.  to reinterpret it and find some hidden meaning that maybe i missed.  if it were someone else i would have tossed it away, but it's someone i respect deeply.

what he said was very simple.  after laying out what i felt God calling me to do he said:

"i don't think you're going to do, what you think you're going to do... i'm telling you this because i don't want you to feel like a failure when it doesn't happen"

he doesn't know my situation.  he means i'm not going to do it right away but he didn't say "never".  maybe he's just wrong, no one is perfect.  in my heart i was disappointed because I thought, "here is the man i respect as a prophet and i think he just got it wrong".  but then part of me began to say, what if he's right?

well, it's been 3 years and it hasn't happened.

i still believe i'm supposed to do all that i said 3 years ago, in fact i believe it more so.  and more than ever I'm asking myself, "what if he was right?"  i want him to be wrong more than anyone can know.  i want to prove he was wrong.  i feel as though there are little signs pointing to the truth (the truth that i want).  but what if i'm just prolonging the wait time until i find out what it is i'm supposed to be doing.

i'm praying for discernment.  i feel like it's coming slowly like the waves.  each one brings a deeper understanding.  each one requiring more surrender and trust.  

i'm trying to surrender and listen and trust. to see the journey not just the end.

discerning is tricky.